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Hi Gillian,

I recently started seeing a girl. I really like her but every time we have sex she puts on music that I hate. To be more specific, she selects show tunes (like Les Miserables and the Phantom of the Opera). It totally kills the mood and turns me off. I've tried mentioning this to her, but she is oblivious and doesn't seem to care. What can I do?

- Music Mike


Dear Music Mike,

Finding someone that you are sexually compatible with is very important (well, in my book, at least -- and that's the book you happen to be reading). We all come to new relationships with our own set of likes and dislikes. Sometimes the fit is instant, which makes for a great time right off the bat; but more often than not, there is a learning curve. The sex gets better as time progresses and you discover what turns each other on and off. The most important ingredients here are open communication and compromise.

I'm wondering if you have either ingredient present in your current relationship. Since your girl's choice of music absolutely kills the experience for you, it is your job to let her know this. You write that you've "tried mentioning it" but she "doesn't seem to care." Music Mike, did you get your point across or not? Sit the girl down and explain yourself in no uncertain terms. If she comprehends how you feel and is willing to work with you, great! It should not be hard to come up with some music that keeps you both going. But if she gets it and simply doesn't give a s--t, that's a different story: Your girl is just plain selfish.

Good sexual partners care as much (or more) about pleasing their mate as they do about pleasing themselves. Finding a common ground, or taking turns doing what each of you like, is essential. If you can't work this one out, especially at this early stage in your relationship, it does not bode well for your future.

P.S. Show tunes during sex?! I feel your pain.

Gillian Zoe Segal is a new advice columnist for the MOLI View. Look for her column in the Life and Love section every Thursday. Do you have a question for Gillian? E-mail her or send her a message on her personal profile page.

Erika Schickel: My girls have been away at sleep-away camp for TWO WHOLE WEEKS and it has been utterly divine.  This is the longest they've ever been away from home, and it's been long enough that I've gotten completely used to it.  My house is clean and quiet, my days are centered entirely around my own needs and desires.  I have abandoned the kitchen and eaten almost every meal out.  I have had conversations with my husband!  I have smoked dope in the house!  Damn, this child-free life really has its perks. Makes you wonder sometimes.

Neal Pollack: Doesn't it, though? Basically, children destroy our brains and our identities when they're babies and toddlers, and then we spend a few years gradually piecing our old selves back together. Of course, by then, the life we had before kids has completely evaporated, forcing us to spend our evenings eating seafood with people named Bob and Gloria. At least that's what I think is going to happen to me.

ES:  Yeah, already I'm feeling this strange yearning to play bridge ...
It's actually great to get a little snapshot of the future without kids, like this.  This whole parenting thing is but a blip in our personal timelines. It's hard to grasp that when your kids are around, but once they start going away to camp and stuff, you see that really, it's almost over.  I mean, assuming my kids matriculate smoothly into the real world between the ages of 18 to 20, I'm already over the halfway mark. A bittersweet revelation. But these two weeks have shown me that life is extremely full without my kids around.  

The ballroom dancing lessons do help with my sciatica and keep me social.   Mmm ... do I smell liver and onions?

NP:  Yes, before you know it, we'll be taking ElderHostels to Ireland, having one safe pint around 6 p.m., and then tucking in early because the bus for Galway leaves at dawn. Wait, that's what my parents are doing. We're not old yet. We're not!

ES: You know, that actually sounds kinda good to me.  Hey, Europe is Europe, after all! My girls came back since we started this conversation, and after less than 24 hours, my house is back to being a whirlwind of crap and chaos, I'm back to the routine of thinking about what everyone will eat (one of the regular chores of parenthood I most hate), and as I write this, Georgia flopped down on the bed and complained of being bored and hungry as she slung her arm over my arm while I was is trying to type this.  ElderHostel, take me away!

NP:  This brings to mind something. While I love hanging out with my kid, it does get tiring to have everything revolve around his schedule and his needs. I don't mean helping him with his homework or reading him a Tintin book before bed, but the feeding and the dressing and the laundry and, especially, the hauling around. Would our days be better without kids? Would they be fuller? I hesitate before saying yes, but I don't necessarily want to say no, either.

ES: Yeah, good question. And a brave one. Parenting is 90 percent drudgery.  It's that 10 percent -- the Tintin books, the snuggles, the unexpected laugh line -- that is our payoff. For instance, the other day Georgia figured out that I'm the tooth fairy. It was a day of processing.  In the morning, she said point blank, "You're the Tooth Fairy, right?"  I admitted it (she's 10, it's time).  Later that afternoon she came into my room and said, "So then where are all my teeth?"  I pulled two sets of baby teeth out of my shoe bag, where I have hidden them all these years, along with the "fairy dust" (glitter) that I sprinkled on her windowsill and coverlet.  Then that evening she turned to me and said, "Now I suppose you're gonna tell me that there's no Santa Claus!"  Then she paused and considered: "Oh wait, that's right, I've seen him with my own eyes.  Phew."

I loved her so much in that moment my head nearly exploded.  It made that midnight run to the store for milk and Corn Pops worthwhile.  I'm not ready for retirement yet.

NP:  Yes, yes, memories are made of this. I have to wonder, though, when my mom says stuff like, "Isn't that what it's all about? Family?" I want to say, "No, it's not supposed to all be about family. There are other themes, other relationships. We're not supposed to spend our life arguing with our kids about whether or not they should be allowed to watch commercials with the sound off. When I hear people say that they just want to spend their weekends hanging out with their kids, I want to say, "ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND? IT'S THE WEEKEND!"

This is not a popular point of view.

Wait a second. You let your kids eat Corn Pops?

To Be Continued.

Neal Pollack and Erika Schickel's Because We Said So column appears every other Tuesday in the MOLI View.