MOLI VIEW™

Nine o'clock - Monday morning - the worst time of the week. Fact. The brain is processing on the same level as Homer Simpson's in its prime (doh), you're avoiding all eye contact with the boss, and Mr Caffeine is your only saving grace. It's like the weekend is your best friend and Monday morning is him stitching you up big time – not the dream.

First things first then - send a few internal emails to the big important people, clearing the way for a good old nosey round Facebook and BBC Sport under the pretence of being hard at work (this won't be true of the conscientious type).

Already on to cup of coffee numero duo, the first real chore of the day is trawling through your inbox – most of which are emails about penis enlargements (I'm praying other people get these too).

At the top of my inbox sits a ‘Have you made it?' questionnaire. Initially cursing the spam filter for letting this one through the metaphorical net, I realise it is actually from a friend. Mildly intrigued - the way Indian restaurants describe korma dishes as mildly spicy when in fact everyone knows they are not spicy at all - I click on the link to find out whether I've ‘made it' or not… anything to delay actually working.

Five pointless questions later about buying Bang & Olufsen surround-sound systems, and nonsense such as having Gordon ‘I wish I had f-ing tourettes' Ramsay's restaurant on speed dial, the result is in front of me. Apparently, I am: ‘super rich – and comfortable rubbing shoulders with Roman Abramovich.'

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